I am supposed to have a different life than I am  now. In the university life, I didn't try my best in study so I missed the scholarship which I thought I could get at least for one time if I worked hard. And in the postgraduate years I was almost bored with English. Since I was a senior student, my interest transfered from English to Japanese and in the next 3 years it was so. And my rash impulsion on Japanese accompnied my with my 1st and 2nd postgraduate years. It bothered me too much that sometimes I was crazy about it and sometimes I hated it because it draged me into the unreal world of animation and Japanese drama. Although I kept learning Japanese but this dosen't bring much benefits for me in job hunting because I was an external student of that Japanese class and I didn't attend all the classes and that makes my Japanese level is destined to be in a very low standard. And during this process, my French and English degraded.

Now I suddently understand I was wrong. I didn't know what can make me a better future before, I just do what I like to do and even doing that, I didn't try my best. Now I want to learn English well but I find that I don't have time. I have to give up something if I want to gain something. I should have no entertainment from now on and focus on what I should do. I still want to go abroad. that is my dream when I was in high school but this dream seems drifting far away from me. I should've have myself enter the IELTS examination,should I ?everyday in my life I was doubting my life. Making a decision is too hard for me.

And that is me. The weakness in my character is just like the one in Hamlet----to be or not to be? So I hesitate, I fear, I make meditation but I do not action. This is my flaw,and my sin? Actually I some kind of belive in fate. This is my fate and where am I heading ? I am just waiting for something to happen. Quite pessimistive, but no matter what happened, I think I am prepared.